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A well-written and thoughtful piece. All I would add is that your manager should take some lessons from that awkward meeting as well. She should have communicated earlier so that all of these things didn't have to wait for the appraisal. Feedback in an appraisal should never be a surprise but simply a summary of earlier clearly stated objectives and continuous feedback.
Thanks Lene for sharing your thoughts and suggestions for the manager. I also agree that continuous feedback is important. That way, issues of concern do not prolong any longer than necessary.